When I found out that it was Sexy Mom's Month over at Babeland, I thought about my mom and how she has affected my sexuality over the years which has led me now to be what some would call a sexy mom. It's not easy for me to write about my sexuality because it's such a sensitive subject for me. Yet I imagine that things were much tougher for my mom back in her day, when sexuality was still a dirty word. Now that I am a mom myself, I have to consider what things will be like for my daughter in the future and how my actions now can affect her sexuality later on.
My mom's first sexual experience was a negative one, and moving forward things didn't get much better.
When she found someone who gave her a positive sexual experience she latched onto him, and he became my father. Unfortunately, the relationship was not a healthy one for a number of other reasons and that particular lifestyle led to a variety of other abuses that were suffered by us children. It was saddening to know that my mother put so much value on her sexuality above all else. I couldn't say that I blame her, knowing what she had been through in childhood and adolescence; yet moving forward I realize that her insistence on sexuality in her relationship over things like loyalty or honesty were instilled in me now too.
Becoming a mom myself forced me to take a step back and re-evaluate my values in regards to my sexuality and relationships.
I have an aggressive sex drive, much like my mother did, but I really didn't want to let sex be the basis of my life decisions. Every relationship I found myself in focused on having a great experience in the bedroom, and wound up failing miserably. It wasn't until I truly took a moment to think about what it was I really wanted out of a relationship that things started to really change for me. I really only stopped to think about it, and broke the circle of dysfunction, because of the strong feelings of love and responsibility I felt for my children.
Looking at my daughter who is only 7, I can see how her body and mind are wired similar to mine; and though she has some of her father's wiring and physical traits as well so it really is a coin toss on how her sexual identity is going to develop.
I started thinking about this when my daughter was born, only because of the issues I have had with sexuality my whole life. What kind of woman was she going to grow up to be? Would she be proud of the kind of woman I was? What could I offer her in the way of guidance towards raising sexually healthy children? Who even really knows how to do that??
I sure didn't and so I did what anybody else would do. I went straight to the internet!
Here is what I found:
The goal is to raise children to be sexually healthy adults: adults who feel good about their bodies, make responsible decisions about their sexuality, and have satisfying emotional, spiritual, and physical relationships with their life partners.
Sexually healthy adults begin as children who are raised in sexually healthy families. In such a family, parents understand that teaching their children about sexuality – in the broadest sense – is just about as important as teaching them about safety, religion, and healthy decision-making.
Sexually healthy parents are askable parents – that is, their children know that they can ask them anything, even about such intimate topics as sexuality. Askable parents reward their children's questions by giving them honest answers, and they let their children know that they want to help with difficult issues. Askable parents also seek opportunities to talk with their children about sexuality rather than always waiting for questions. They are always on the lookout for teaching opportunities when they can offer a little bit of sexual information or impart some of their morals and values. Askable parents are knowledgeable about sexuality, but they also seek out additional information to better guide their children.
Many characteristics of sexually healthy families are not explicitly about sex or sexuality, but are about how each member of the family interacts with each other. Sexually healthy parents demonstrate that they value, respect, accept and trust their children – and that they expect to be treated that way in return. They listen to their children, and seriously try to understand their points of view. They regularly share their values, stay actively involved in their children's lives, and are not afraid to set age-appropriate limits for behavior.I found this awesome information at RaisingChildren.net.au in an article called Creating a Sexually Healthy Family. There is a lot more information there for you to read so be sure to give that link a visit.
It has been an interesting experience towards a sexually healthy relationship that was consistent with my values, desires, hopes, and needs.
I am very blessed to have found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with in my wife. I believe we model a healthy relationship for our children although we are not sexual beings when they are around. We are affectionate in that we hold hands and such but are not really comfortable discussing the topic with them as of yet. They are really young (7 and 9) but since they are at an age where they are aware of the world (plus they went to school and learned how to read!) they were aware of the word 'sex' a few years ago. Talking with them I mentioned it was something for 'grown-ups' and they 'would learn all about it in high school'. Now that they are a little older I've had to divulge more info. It's a tad uncomfy but afterward I feel like they have a better foundation towards becoming well rounded (and sexually healthy!) adults. I don't know how I will handle it however when they actually realize that sex is something their parents do - yikes! HaHaHa
One thing that is for sure, the sexual side of me is definitely evolved from what my mother's was and so I know there is hope in the future for my daughter to grow into a radiantly beautiful sexy mom.
But wait... will that make me a sexy grandma???
About the Author: Julie Phineas is a work at home mom of 2 who lives in Southern California. You can find out more about her by visiting her website at www.juliephineas.com.